One of the best parts about getting married – besides the guiltless sex – is that you get many, many presents. Unfortunately, most large chains will coerce you into registering for things you don’t want, that people will buy you. Or, people buy you the things they think you should have. So, you may get stuck with some crap.
But, don’t be too judgmental too quickly, because there might be a jackpot in that pile of loot, and you are just to dumb to know it.
Here are some gifts that may be collecting dust at your house, and they sure as hell shouldn’t be:
- Steamer
This comes in many forms – you may have a metal steamer, or a plastic microwavable one. Use this daily! It will make your ass less fat. The metal ones generally rest over a small amount of boiling water in a saucepan, and the microwavable ones go in the…do I really need to spell that out? When you boil vegetables, it strips out nutrients and vitamins, and these stay in the veggies when steamed. Some people don’t like vegetables, and its generally because they are used to having over-cooked ones that are disgusting, so I don’t blame them. Steamed veggies are crisp and delish. You can always toss the finished ones in a tablespoon of reduced-sodium chicken broth to add some flavor, and they will still be relatively healthy.
- Waffle Maker
Waffles can be a little intimidating, I get it. The batter sticks to things and the finished product is supposed to look fancy, but don’t be deterred. Waffle batter is very similar to pancake batter: eggs, milk, flour, etc. and can be quickly made from scratch. Or, you can use biscuit or pancake mix. The hard part of waffles is the stickiness, so just make sure you use plenty of cooking spray or brush the waffle maker between each waffle with vegetable oil. You can also get really creative and make chocolate waffles for breakfast, or corn-muffin waffles covered in taco meat and salsa. The rule about waffles and pancakes is that the first one usually doesn’t look pretty, so plan to lose a serving to practice and your natural inability.
- Food Processor
In the world on under-used appliances, this is the Grand Champion. I LOVE my food processor. It took me a while to break it out, but I wish I had watched the handy VHS tape that accompanied it months before I did. Are you intimidated by pie? Use your FP, it will do all of the work for you: it will slice the apples and make the dough. Are your wrists sore from grating cheese? Use your FP. Are you making chili and have many veggies to slice and dice? Use your FP! It can grate, slice, dice, and chop. It can also make pate choux so very easily, and who doesn’t like homemade cream puffs? You can make guacamole, salsa, hummus…in a pinch, you can even make daiquiris with it. It is AMAZING. Use it often. BUT, be careful, as the blade and attachments are wicked sharp. If you are stupid enough to lose a finger, do something more badass than just slicing it off with your FP. No one is going to be impressed by that.
Do you have an appliance collecting dust? Email asksimplysarah@gmail.com, and your yuppie problems may be solved.
-fin-
Monday, October 26, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Dinner on the Fly
I’ve already written about unexpected guests, but wanted to expand a little on a related issue: the additional dinner guest.
This problem arises in a variety of ways: you arrive home at 6:00 PM and your significant other’s HLP is planted in front of your big screen with no indication of moving; someone to whom you owe a favor happens to drop by and complains of hunger; or, the phone rings and your significant other announces he/she is bringing home their boss tonight (this last one is quite a dated idea, but this is America so you just never know.)
Do watch Mad Men? You should. AMC isn’t even paying me to say that. I just love that God damned show. What? You watched it once and didn’t like it? That’s bullshit. You have to start from the beginning and watch three episodes at a time. Its free through On Demand right now. You don’t have that kind of cable? Then don’t bother reading this blog.
The reason I bring Mad Men up is because in one episode, Don’s boss, Roger Sterling, invites himself over for dinner. They then show Betty, Don’s wife, eating a salad while the men eat steaks. She remarks that she is on a diet. She was clearly planning on two for dinner that evening, and Sterling, that sonofabitch, invited himself over with no notice and ate her steak.
But you know what? I don’t even really feel bad for Betty and her sad salad, because her frequent peroxide use and prescription medication dependency has turned her into a quitter. You have to be prepared, and in the event you are too sloshed to be prepared, you need to suck it up and pull your shit together to make it work. That’s my motto.
You never want to send someone home hungry, no matter how much of an inconvenience they are. Here are some tips on how to impress dinner guests on the fly:
-Grab a knife, Betty, and make it work!
The most annoying part of unexpected dinner guests is always the protein. You have 3 people and 2 pieces of chicken…what to do? Slice that shit up, and serve it over salad. You should eat salad every night because it is cheap and healthy. Cover a serving platter with lettuce, and whatever else you have, and be creative! You can defrost corn or peas and put them on a salad. You can slice canned beats or olives and put them on a salad. Shred carrots and celery with your food processor to make them classy. Add croutons (if you don’t have any, cube up any bread you have and brown it in butter) or toasted nuts. Make a little vinaigrette or serve a bottled one. Then spread the sliced (cooked, in case that wasn’t obvious) meat over it all, and bon appétit, bitches, everyone gets meat! People eat with their eyes first, and only the tackiest of guests would notice that the three slices of chicken they are eating don’t equal a normal portion.
-A Matter of Course
Courses are classy, and an easy way to make it seem like there is more food. Set out a little nibbly while you make the main course, and it will keep everyone’s hunger at bay. If you don’t need to rely on your salad as a main course, serve it first, let your guests enjoy it before bringing out the rest. Or, serve soup (it can be canned if you insist on such things) as a first course. You can also pre-plate courses to ensure everyone gets everything, and you can also arrange the food to look like there is more of it. Serve bread, and pull together a dessert. This turns your little dining experience into a three-course meal, and it can always just be boxed brownies. Ta da!
-Who Cares about Democracy, Break out the China!
Presentation, presentation, presentation. Even if your guest is a friend you’ve had for years, and you don’t really feel the need to impress them, everyone likes to feel special. Use real plates, serving dishes, your gravy boat – light some candles (unscented!), to make the dinner special…but not so special they come back too soon. Good entertaining is not an accident.
-fin-
This problem arises in a variety of ways: you arrive home at 6:00 PM and your significant other’s HLP is planted in front of your big screen with no indication of moving; someone to whom you owe a favor happens to drop by and complains of hunger; or, the phone rings and your significant other announces he/she is bringing home their boss tonight (this last one is quite a dated idea, but this is America so you just never know.)
Do watch Mad Men? You should. AMC isn’t even paying me to say that. I just love that God damned show. What? You watched it once and didn’t like it? That’s bullshit. You have to start from the beginning and watch three episodes at a time. Its free through On Demand right now. You don’t have that kind of cable? Then don’t bother reading this blog.
The reason I bring Mad Men up is because in one episode, Don’s boss, Roger Sterling, invites himself over for dinner. They then show Betty, Don’s wife, eating a salad while the men eat steaks. She remarks that she is on a diet. She was clearly planning on two for dinner that evening, and Sterling, that sonofabitch, invited himself over with no notice and ate her steak.
But you know what? I don’t even really feel bad for Betty and her sad salad, because her frequent peroxide use and prescription medication dependency has turned her into a quitter. You have to be prepared, and in the event you are too sloshed to be prepared, you need to suck it up and pull your shit together to make it work. That’s my motto.
You never want to send someone home hungry, no matter how much of an inconvenience they are. Here are some tips on how to impress dinner guests on the fly:
-Grab a knife, Betty, and make it work!
The most annoying part of unexpected dinner guests is always the protein. You have 3 people and 2 pieces of chicken…what to do? Slice that shit up, and serve it over salad. You should eat salad every night because it is cheap and healthy. Cover a serving platter with lettuce, and whatever else you have, and be creative! You can defrost corn or peas and put them on a salad. You can slice canned beats or olives and put them on a salad. Shred carrots and celery with your food processor to make them classy. Add croutons (if you don’t have any, cube up any bread you have and brown it in butter) or toasted nuts. Make a little vinaigrette or serve a bottled one. Then spread the sliced (cooked, in case that wasn’t obvious) meat over it all, and bon appétit, bitches, everyone gets meat! People eat with their eyes first, and only the tackiest of guests would notice that the three slices of chicken they are eating don’t equal a normal portion.
-A Matter of Course
Courses are classy, and an easy way to make it seem like there is more food. Set out a little nibbly while you make the main course, and it will keep everyone’s hunger at bay. If you don’t need to rely on your salad as a main course, serve it first, let your guests enjoy it before bringing out the rest. Or, serve soup (it can be canned if you insist on such things) as a first course. You can also pre-plate courses to ensure everyone gets everything, and you can also arrange the food to look like there is more of it. Serve bread, and pull together a dessert. This turns your little dining experience into a three-course meal, and it can always just be boxed brownies. Ta da!
-Who Cares about Democracy, Break out the China!
Presentation, presentation, presentation. Even if your guest is a friend you’ve had for years, and you don’t really feel the need to impress them, everyone likes to feel special. Use real plates, serving dishes, your gravy boat – light some candles (unscented!), to make the dinner special…but not so special they come back too soon. Good entertaining is not an accident.
-fin-
Monday, October 5, 2009
Dear Simply Sarah
Dear Simply Sarah,
Can you please give me some tips on cell phone/texting/checking your blackberry etiquette?. Specifically, when is it/ is it not appropriate to do these things? While having dinner with good friends at a restaurant? During sex? In a business situation? On the toilet? And when a call drops, whose responsibility is it to call back? Does anyone really have to call back or do you just shrug your shoulders and move on with your sorry little life?
I feel as if I need some guidance in this area as I have witnessed what I would think are egregious breaches of cell etiquette. You being a 20-something know it all...I thought you may have something to add to the conversation.
Sincerely,
Wired in West Michigan
Dear Wired,
First of all, thanks for asking – this is something I have a lot to say about.
Even though I am just a 20-something, I do have vivid memories of the days before – well, I should say, the days before EVERYONE had cell phones. Long gone are the days of relying on pay phones, smoke signals, carrier pigeons, telegrams, and the like to communicate, and I say good riddance! Cell phones make life more convenient, so I am for them.
However, good for you for recognizing that while people seem to think that no etiquette exists, in my mind, it most certainly does. A cell phone is an extension of yourself, much like you might consider a cigarette, hand gun (if you live in Texas), flask or bottle of Percocet. These are things that are important to you, and annoying to others.
In my world, it is all the same – talking, texting, surfing, and the same rules apply.
Here are some rules to live by to keep passersby swearing “Jackass” under their breath after they are out of your earshot:
-If you want to piss me off, do this: Invite me out to dinner, and then put your phone on the table, as though something better may come along. It won’t. I promise. I am the balls. It is so disrespectful of others’ time to act as though it doesn’t matter, and you are just waiting for a better friend/family member/booty call to get hold of you. If you don’t want to piss me off, do this: Leave your phone in your bag, manpurse, or pocket, and silence it, or put it on vibrate if you like sexy surprises. Check it occasionally – no more than once every 30 minutes – under the guise of checking the time so I don’t feel inadequate. This goes for texting and browsing, it’s all the same.
-If you want to piss me off, do this: Position yourself in front of me in the grocery store or family planning aisle of Walgreens, and use the walkie-talkie function on your Nextel. Hotdamn, do I HATE that. I do NOT want to hear your conversation about how you forgot what Jimmy wanted for lunch this week. If you don’t want to piss me off, so this: Walking-talkies should be used for two things: little boys pretending to break into homes, and actual criminals who are breaking into homes. Oh, and truckers, because their big meaty fingers can’t use normal phones. Use the GD phone function on your Nextel, and treat your walkie-talkie conversation like an actual phone call so I don’t have to hear it. Maybe if you cared more about your family, you wouldn’t be such horrible person who has to call and ask.
-If you want to piss me off, do this: Call me, realize the call drops, and move on with your life. I am extremely important and my time is very valuable. If you don’t want to piss me off, do this: Call me back when our call drops, if you called me in the first place; I would do the same for you. I am a known rambler, and I could have been going on and on about my co-worker’s battle with syphilis for 15 minutes before I realize you are no longer on the line. Call back, even if it’s to say, “Sarah, your play-by-play of the treatment of VD has caused me to projectile vomit all over my steering wheel – this phone call is over, but thank you for your time.”
As to your other questions, anyone who knows me knows that I don’t like to judge – its all about common sense. If you feel the need to send a quick text while having “relations” then more power to you, this is between you and the others involved. Just don’t include this little gem in the actual text.
If you want to check a sports score and the only free moment you have is when you are spending quality time in the ladies’ room, more power to you – again, though, I wouldn’t spread that around.
Also, the only way cell etiquette will ever be truly utilized is if everyone knows the rules, so I implore you to share the good word, call out the jackasses and let’s educate the masses.
-fin-
Can you please give me some tips on cell phone/texting/checking your blackberry etiquette?. Specifically, when is it/ is it not appropriate to do these things? While having dinner with good friends at a restaurant? During sex? In a business situation? On the toilet? And when a call drops, whose responsibility is it to call back? Does anyone really have to call back or do you just shrug your shoulders and move on with your sorry little life?
I feel as if I need some guidance in this area as I have witnessed what I would think are egregious breaches of cell etiquette. You being a 20-something know it all...I thought you may have something to add to the conversation.
Sincerely,
Wired in West Michigan
Dear Wired,
First of all, thanks for asking – this is something I have a lot to say about.
Even though I am just a 20-something, I do have vivid memories of the days before – well, I should say, the days before EVERYONE had cell phones. Long gone are the days of relying on pay phones, smoke signals, carrier pigeons, telegrams, and the like to communicate, and I say good riddance! Cell phones make life more convenient, so I am for them.
However, good for you for recognizing that while people seem to think that no etiquette exists, in my mind, it most certainly does. A cell phone is an extension of yourself, much like you might consider a cigarette, hand gun (if you live in Texas), flask or bottle of Percocet. These are things that are important to you, and annoying to others.
In my world, it is all the same – talking, texting, surfing, and the same rules apply.
Here are some rules to live by to keep passersby swearing “Jackass” under their breath after they are out of your earshot:
-If you want to piss me off, do this: Invite me out to dinner, and then put your phone on the table, as though something better may come along. It won’t. I promise. I am the balls. It is so disrespectful of others’ time to act as though it doesn’t matter, and you are just waiting for a better friend/family member/booty call to get hold of you. If you don’t want to piss me off, do this: Leave your phone in your bag, manpurse, or pocket, and silence it, or put it on vibrate if you like sexy surprises. Check it occasionally – no more than once every 30 minutes – under the guise of checking the time so I don’t feel inadequate. This goes for texting and browsing, it’s all the same.
-If you want to piss me off, do this: Position yourself in front of me in the grocery store or family planning aisle of Walgreens, and use the walkie-talkie function on your Nextel. Hotdamn, do I HATE that. I do NOT want to hear your conversation about how you forgot what Jimmy wanted for lunch this week. If you don’t want to piss me off, so this: Walking-talkies should be used for two things: little boys pretending to break into homes, and actual criminals who are breaking into homes. Oh, and truckers, because their big meaty fingers can’t use normal phones. Use the GD phone function on your Nextel, and treat your walkie-talkie conversation like an actual phone call so I don’t have to hear it. Maybe if you cared more about your family, you wouldn’t be such horrible person who has to call and ask.
-If you want to piss me off, do this: Call me, realize the call drops, and move on with your life. I am extremely important and my time is very valuable. If you don’t want to piss me off, do this: Call me back when our call drops, if you called me in the first place; I would do the same for you. I am a known rambler, and I could have been going on and on about my co-worker’s battle with syphilis for 15 minutes before I realize you are no longer on the line. Call back, even if it’s to say, “Sarah, your play-by-play of the treatment of VD has caused me to projectile vomit all over my steering wheel – this phone call is over, but thank you for your time.”
As to your other questions, anyone who knows me knows that I don’t like to judge – its all about common sense. If you feel the need to send a quick text while having “relations” then more power to you, this is between you and the others involved. Just don’t include this little gem in the actual text.
If you want to check a sports score and the only free moment you have is when you are spending quality time in the ladies’ room, more power to you – again, though, I wouldn’t spread that around.
Also, the only way cell etiquette will ever be truly utilized is if everyone knows the rules, so I implore you to share the good word, call out the jackasses and let’s educate the masses.
-fin-
Friday, September 25, 2009
Ding Dong Surprise!
People love to stop by unannounced. I don’t know why…I even do it myself. I think it’s the idea that you can essentially throw a “surprise party” at any moment you wish simply by stopping by someone else’s house and, you know, “surprising” them.
I am against this on principal…what if the day you surprise me is the day I am spending washing my windows naked whilst drinking martinis? Its been known to happen, just so you are aware. Its not that I can’t throw a robe on, but it can be difficult to get back into the groove of things once I’m interrupted.
On the other hand, I am for this out of the love for a good time. Most of the time, except the aforementioned – or, say, if you stop by on the day I am having my back waxed – I really enjoy a random surprise guest, especially if its nice out, so I don’t have to let you in to see the wreckage my home is generally in.
I think the best of both worlds is to send a quick text or place a brief call, alerting the person that you are in the neighborhood and would like to stop by. That way, if they are busy freezing off warts or combing for lice, they can gently let you know that you are in no way, shape, or form, welcome in their home.
But, maybe someone calls you from the road, and you are just sitting around picking your nose, so you of course say that they are welcome to stop by!
Another, more selfish reason I don’t like unexpected company –besides me ever-dirty bathroom – is that it can be hard to come up with something for said people to eat while we chat. Smart people have little goodies stowed away for such times, but these are the same people that always have clean bathrooms, i.e., not me. Sometimes I have little goodies, but if there is delish food in my house, chances are really good that I am going to get bored one evening and eat it myself…possibly while rocking myself to sleep in the corner.
This is not the time to turn to a cookbook – that’s too much work. Besides, you can’t always trust people just because they are on the Food Network. Case and point – and I am not making this up: one of the recipes Giada offers up as a quick snack is a dip for veggies that consists of the following: olive oil, salt and pepper. Done! BitchSayWhat?!? Thanks, Giada, how earth shattering. What would I do without you and those ever-shrinking shirts?
Of course, depending on how much warning I receive, I just may be able to pull some sort of nibbly together based on the things I always have around. Here is a game plan for such events:
I am against this on principal…what if the day you surprise me is the day I am spending washing my windows naked whilst drinking martinis? Its been known to happen, just so you are aware. Its not that I can’t throw a robe on, but it can be difficult to get back into the groove of things once I’m interrupted.
On the other hand, I am for this out of the love for a good time. Most of the time, except the aforementioned – or, say, if you stop by on the day I am having my back waxed – I really enjoy a random surprise guest, especially if its nice out, so I don’t have to let you in to see the wreckage my home is generally in.
I think the best of both worlds is to send a quick text or place a brief call, alerting the person that you are in the neighborhood and would like to stop by. That way, if they are busy freezing off warts or combing for lice, they can gently let you know that you are in no way, shape, or form, welcome in their home.
But, maybe someone calls you from the road, and you are just sitting around picking your nose, so you of course say that they are welcome to stop by!
Another, more selfish reason I don’t like unexpected company –besides me ever-dirty bathroom – is that it can be hard to come up with something for said people to eat while we chat. Smart people have little goodies stowed away for such times, but these are the same people that always have clean bathrooms, i.e., not me. Sometimes I have little goodies, but if there is delish food in my house, chances are really good that I am going to get bored one evening and eat it myself…possibly while rocking myself to sleep in the corner.
This is not the time to turn to a cookbook – that’s too much work. Besides, you can’t always trust people just because they are on the Food Network. Case and point – and I am not making this up: one of the recipes Giada offers up as a quick snack is a dip for veggies that consists of the following: olive oil, salt and pepper. Done! BitchSayWhat?!? Thanks, Giada, how earth shattering. What would I do without you and those ever-shrinking shirts?
Of course, depending on how much warning I receive, I just may be able to pull some sort of nibbly together based on the things I always have around. Here is a game plan for such events:
Situation A: You have a Little Time
If you have a bit of time, pull something together:
Trifle: whenever I make a cake, I trim off the rounded tops of the two layers,
and freeze them. These scraps, along with a few pudding cups and cool whip, can
be layered in wine glasses or champagne flutes as little individual trifles that look classy.
Bean dip: this is my new favorite. Mix a drained and rinsed can of white beans, a little parsley if you have it, lemon juice, and a roasted head of garlic (doesn’t everyone roast one on Sunday to use throughout the week as needed? No? Ok. Well, you all should). Put this in a food processor, and add enough olive oil until it’s of dip consistency. This is best served at room temp, so its done! Serve with veggies or crackers, or just toast up bread and cut it into cubes.
Brownies: use a box if you have one, but home-made brownies take about the same amount of time. Bake them in a muffin tin, and they will be ready in no time ‘cause they’re smaller and that’s how science works. I don’t know why people are so intimidated by bakingRachel Ray .
Warm Chips: One thing I usually have around is potato chips, because I love trans fats and failure. And my dogs like greasy fingers. If I have a bit of time to play with, I will pour the chips – preferably kettle – onto a baking sheet, sprinkle them with sprinkly cheese and dried parsley, and warm them at 350 for about 10 minutes. Meanwhile, I throw together a creamy dip, say, cream cheese, a little sour cream, ricotta – whatever’s white - sautéed garlic, salt, pepper, a little Italian seasoning, all mixed together and warmed up in the microwave. Serve the warm chips – out of a bowl, not off the pan, this isn’t Kentucky - with the warm dip, so delish.
Edamame: this is DUTCH. You can buy a bag of frozen edamame in the shell and keep it in your freezer. You would never eat this in a million years. But, if someone is coming over, you can drop the pods into boiling water to defrost them and warm them. Drain them, and sprinkle them liberally with salt. Serve them with soy sauce. You and your guests will look very classy sucking the little beans out of their pods after you dip them in the sauce. If you were to go to an Asian restaurant, they would charge you approximately $8.00 for this gourmet experience. And you re-created it in your home for mere pennies.Situation B: You Have No Time
Not everyone reads this blog, so not everyone knows how to be a good guest. In the event of a total surprise, you still have options:Crudités: Forget about Giada’s horrible dip idea, and just put some ranch into a cute bowl, and put out some baby carrots. Everyone has veggies – I hope – so grab them and munch away. Using nice serving pieces makes all the difference when its simple fare.
Cheese and Crackers: there is nothing wrong with a classic. If all you have is string cheese and saltines, you may want to pass, but a block of cheddar and someRitz are nothing to sneeze at.
Let’s Bake!: Its their fault for just showing up! Invite them into the kitchen, and pull out your favorite cookie recipe to make together. You can chat while you make the dough, and before you know it, you will both be stuffing yourselves with cookies while gossiping about your neighbor’s drinking problem.
-fin-
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Oh Boy, Its a Baby!
Babies are not anything I claim to know a lot about. I prefer, actually, not to know very much because it keeps me off potential babysitter lists.
What I do know about is how to throw a party, so that is the role I prefer to play. The older I get, the more condoms seem to break, and the more babies appear.
Throwing a shower of any type can be intimidating to some, but I always welcome a challenge. The hardest part to get on board with is that even though your are hosting, you are not the center of attention. This can be a hard pill to swallow if you enjoy monopolizing conversations as I do.
To prepare for a recent shower thrown for my Holland BFF, I did a little online research. Just so you know, there are all kinds of things you can’t feed a pregnant woman, like any type of cheese that is delicious, and fish, so out went my plan for goat cheese and salmon pizza. The mark of a good planner is that they are able to roll with the punches.
Another point of interest is that you aren’t supposed to drink at a baby shower. BitchSayWhat?!?! I’m sorry, I’m all about inclusion or whatever, but unless you are hosting an AA meeting, the drinks should flow. The guest of honor CHOSE to get knocked-up, so she can sit and watch us all drink ’til the cows come home as far as I’m concerned.
That being said, here are my tips for a successful baby shower:
What I do know about is how to throw a party, so that is the role I prefer to play. The older I get, the more condoms seem to break, and the more babies appear.
Throwing a shower of any type can be intimidating to some, but I always welcome a challenge. The hardest part to get on board with is that even though your are hosting, you are not the center of attention. This can be a hard pill to swallow if you enjoy monopolizing conversations as I do.
To prepare for a recent shower thrown for my Holland BFF, I did a little online research. Just so you know, there are all kinds of things you can’t feed a pregnant woman, like any type of cheese that is delicious, and fish, so out went my plan for goat cheese and salmon pizza. The mark of a good planner is that they are able to roll with the punches.
Another point of interest is that you aren’t supposed to drink at a baby shower. BitchSayWhat?!?! I’m sorry, I’m all about inclusion or whatever, but unless you are hosting an AA meeting, the drinks should flow. The guest of honor CHOSE to get knocked-up, so she can sit and watch us all drink ’til the cows come home as far as I’m concerned.
That being said, here are my tips for a successful baby shower:
Don’t Spend Time on Your Reindeer Games
I know you read this blog for my honesty, so I am going to level with you: I hate games, and so do most people. If you are so boring that you fear your conversational skills can’t get you through a two hour period, then maybe you can have a game that is not lame-ass. I’ll leave it to you to figure out what those are. Don’t spend more than 30 minutes of your life preparing for it though, because no one cares anyway. Also, make sure that you have a variety of prizes, because I, for instance, am AWESOME at games, and I don’t want to keep winning the same thing over and over.
Keep the Guest List Age Appropriate
I understand that there are times when people have social obligations, and are unable to find a sitter. However, hopefully your guests will use a little common sense. Eating finger foods and watching someone else open gifts for three hours is not on the top of a kid’s fun list. The mom-to-be also does not want to listen to little Duncan cry/scream/talk while she is thanking her Auntie for the lovely butt
paste. Baby showers are best left to the adults, and if kids must be present, make sure to have a plan on how to keep them entertained.
Double the Amount of Food
There are a few absolutes when it comes to pregnant women: they are always hungry and they always have to pee. At any party, there is no such thing as too much food, so butcher another hog and churn some more butter to ensure that your guests, and the preggo, have plenty to eat.
Decorate Your Little Heart Out
Despite my hatred of Sandra Lee, I am a fan of tablescapes, and what is more fun than decorating for a pregnant person? For my little party, I found some cute ribbon in her nursery colors to use as mini runners on the table, tie to the dessert pedestal, etc. Remember that anything made out of tissue-y paper that you buy flat and then fold open to display (e.g. bells, bottles, etc.) is TACKY SHIT. Also, a nice favor is always appreciated. I am against favors at large events like weddings, because on that scale, no one can afford to buy me anything I want anyway. But, for a smaller party, an appropriate gift – like at a baby shower: condoms or diaphragms – are most appropriate and can add some fanciness to the table.As always, as a host, you need to anticipate needs and make people feel welcome, no matter what their condition.
-fin-
Thanks, Krista, for your help on this :)
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Please Pass the TP
This is terrible, but I really don’t like surprise guests because more often than not, our bathroom is a complete disaster. Well, the whole house, really, but a bathroom is a place that people generally need to visit. That being said, sometimes I don’t like guests that give me warning, because that means I have to clean the bathroom in anticipation of the visit.
I am a clutter-y person, and no one, including my dear husband, wants to wade through my Wet and Wild make-up collection or super absorbent tampons to get to the sink. That’s rude. But, that’s what unexpected guests get, so you are warned.
That being said, a 20-something really should have his/her act together. You should always have a clean, well-stocked bathroom when you have people over…you don’t have to install those fancy condom machines, but do be prepared with the essentials.
I don’t always practice what I preach, so this is not an experience you would get if I didn’t have notice. But, I encourage you to be prepared, because if I had friends with bathrooms like mine, I wouldn’t ever go to their houses…and might call Child Protective Services if they had kids in the house. However, that’s just me.
At the exclusive Project Runway debut I attended – it was invitation only, that’s why you weren’t there – our charming Zeeland hostess provided exceptional accommodations, and we could all learn from her.
Based on her smart preparations, here are things to keep in mind when you are an adult with a bathroom:
I am a clutter-y person, and no one, including my dear husband, wants to wade through my Wet and Wild make-up collection or super absorbent tampons to get to the sink. That’s rude. But, that’s what unexpected guests get, so you are warned.
That being said, a 20-something really should have his/her act together. You should always have a clean, well-stocked bathroom when you have people over…you don’t have to install those fancy condom machines, but do be prepared with the essentials.
I don’t always practice what I preach, so this is not an experience you would get if I didn’t have notice. But, I encourage you to be prepared, because if I had friends with bathrooms like mine, I wouldn’t ever go to their houses…and might call Child Protective Services if they had kids in the house. However, that’s just me.
At the exclusive Project Runway debut I attended – it was invitation only, that’s why you weren’t there – our charming Zeeland hostess provided exceptional accommodations, and we could all learn from her.
Based on her smart preparations, here are things to keep in mind when you are an adult with a bathroom:
Lots o’ Toilet Paper
This seems so obvious, but always keep a lot on hand, and in an obvious spot so your guests don’t have to go rooting through your cabinets to find it. Someone is bound to use up the end of a roll, so just have it around. Our hostess had a whole basket full, and that is smart, because she doesn’t have to worry about constantly checking on
the supply because she will probably make it until WWIII with what she has now.
Light a Candle
I don’t want to get too graphic, but a bathroom is an excellent place to have a candle that is lit, especially for parties or even small gatherings. I am not going to explain why this is a good idea, hopefully you can draw this conclusion on your own. If you are serving asparagus, you may want to light two.
Hand out the Towels
I know I already made this point, but seriously, put out a hand towel. Or two, for large groups.
Set Out Something Smelly
Yes, I said it! In addition to a candle, provide some of that spray that smells like ocean or a field of flowers. You don’t want the person who took thirds to be even more embarrassed than they already should be for being such a glutton.
Prepare a Few Essentials
Its nice to have some things easily accessible in a bathroom. You don’t have to have every conceivable thing, but some little items to keep in mind include a pain medication (especially if you are loud and obnoxious, you may be giving your guests headaches), antacids (your tuna-jello-surprise might not sit well with everyone), and feminine hygiene products (no one wants to ask, put one or two in a logical cabinet – if you are a boy, you don’t have to do this, because that would send a really weird/creepy message to the girls you bring home.)
Always keep your guests in mind – any question or issue that could ever come up related to a bathroom is embarrassing, so do what you can to avoid them. Also, know that most people are going to go through all of your things the moment they get the chance, so you may want to remove anything you are embarrassed by…because I will find it.
-fin-
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Playing the "Guesting" Game
Opening your home to entertain others means that more than likely, you will at some point be invited to another's home to be entertained. If you consistently invite friends over and they do not ever reciprocate, that is an indication of one of the following:
a) your friends have secret lives that may or may not, but probably do, involve severe addictions to cocaine
b) they are so impressed with your ability to entertain by utilizing the knowledge from this blog that they are intimidated by your superior skills or
c) they are straight up hobos and don't want to subject you to the trials of balancing stale ketchup soup on your lap inside their cardboard box.
In this situation, your role as an adult does a 180, and instead of your goal being to act as the perfect host, you need to put on your big girl panties and transform into a charming guest. This may be a stretch for you, especially if you are a controlling bitch like me. As a charming guest, you have two important tasks: show up if you RSVP and bring a thank you gift. That's right. A gift. Don't show up empty handed, that's rude. More importantly, bring something thoughtful and plan ahead. You never know when your bikini wax might go long because your beautician was working on a sasquatch woman before you, ruining your plans to stop off for a bottle of vino.
If you think you can get away without a gift, think again. Think of the poor person who invited you over, and just spent an entire day cleaning his/her home, gutting a chicken, freshly churning butter – you know, WORKING. All to make YOU feel welcome and special.
The only time you don’t need to bring a gift is when you are just meeting someone at their home, and then going out… or if you are just popping in to drop of a borrowed item, like a fertility monitor. If you are trespassing on their hospitality for an extended period (a whole evening, a weekend, a fortnight) – then a gift is definitely necessary.
As a general rule, don't show up with the following for your gracious hostess:
- A contagious STD
- A half bottle of anything, unless it’s strong prescription medication that your hostess could sell on the black market for profit
- Cash
- A bitch slap
Instead, here are some quick, and thoughtful ideas, on a proper hostess
gift:
-fin-
a) your friends have secret lives that may or may not, but probably do, involve severe addictions to cocaine
b) they are so impressed with your ability to entertain by utilizing the knowledge from this blog that they are intimidated by your superior skills or
c) they are straight up hobos and don't want to subject you to the trials of balancing stale ketchup soup on your lap inside their cardboard box.
In this situation, your role as an adult does a 180, and instead of your goal being to act as the perfect host, you need to put on your big girl panties and transform into a charming guest. This may be a stretch for you, especially if you are a controlling bitch like me. As a charming guest, you have two important tasks: show up if you RSVP and bring a thank you gift. That's right. A gift. Don't show up empty handed, that's rude. More importantly, bring something thoughtful and plan ahead. You never know when your bikini wax might go long because your beautician was working on a sasquatch woman before you, ruining your plans to stop off for a bottle of vino.
If you think you can get away without a gift, think again. Think of the poor person who invited you over, and just spent an entire day cleaning his/her home, gutting a chicken, freshly churning butter – you know, WORKING. All to make YOU feel welcome and special.
The only time you don’t need to bring a gift is when you are just meeting someone at their home, and then going out… or if you are just popping in to drop of a borrowed item, like a fertility monitor. If you are trespassing on their hospitality for an extended period (a whole evening, a weekend, a fortnight) – then a gift is definitely necessary.
As a general rule, don't show up with the following for your gracious hostess:
- A contagious STD
- A half bottle of anything, unless it’s strong prescription medication that your hostess could sell on the black market for profit
- Cash
- A bitch slap
Instead, here are some quick, and thoughtful ideas, on a proper hostess
gift:
Wine/Beer/Alcohol
This is a classic for a reason. The key here is to not expect to drink said booze that evening, this is a true gift. Any hostess with the mostest will provide drinks that compliment the evening’s menu. Your addition should be laid away and enjoyed at their discretion. Or, this can act as reserves in the event that everything else is consumed before the party ends because not everyone understands moderation
(Nic Winsemius).
A Plant
NOTE that I did not say flowers. If décor already includes flowers, your addition might ruin the whole effect – and a vase must be found, etc. – it’s just too much work for the hostess. The point of giving a gift is to come across so charming you are invited back, not to create more stress for your host/hostess.
Candles/Lotion/Picture Frame
A little token that reminds you of them, and can be quickly opened and then placed on a shelf is ideal. How nice would it be to have a guest arrive to your party with a candle, scented with the aroma of your favorite douche? That would be lovely.
Breakfast
NOTE: this is CLASSY. Show up with breakfast for your hostess to eat on the following day. How flipping nice is that? Bring great bread for toast, freshly ground coffee, and jam/jelly (if you are totally Amish, bring home-made jam…or if you are Teresa Abel’s daughter, you can bring the best strawberry jam EVER that you stole from your mom). Just don’t show up with something that needs to be refrigerated, because the host’s fridge may be full with the evening’s dessert…or decapitated heads. You never know. The point is. the next day, when your hostess wakes and looks at the calamity of her home, at least she will have something delicious to eat.
-fin-
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